8 ways to be socially ostracized at a show

[Metalfreak]

I found this on metalstorm and thought I'd share it...I couldn't agree more!

It's Friday night, you're getting really pumped for a show, so you slam back a few drinks and crank up your favourite album by tonight's performing band to get your stoke on. You get to the show, chat with your friends for a bit, then get yourself prepared for the nights onslaught of metal. As the show begins, like moths to a flame, the jackasses come out. Now, of course a concert is a good time to let loose and go crazy, but there is certain etiquette that all concert attendees should abide by. This blog is merely an observation of the 8 main types of etiquette defilers who inadvertently ruin everybody's good time. The ones that make you say to yourself "Why don't we just kill these mutherfuckers?" Well, unfortunately homicide is highly frowned upon by most governments, regardless of circumstance, but the thought is still there. I feel I'm doing a public service by perhaps bringing out this etiquette in written form, so perhaps we have some form of written guideline for the future.

1. The Chip N Dale Dancer
This is a rock concert, not a swimming pool - keep your Goddamn shirt on. The removal of shirts at a concert shows nothing more than an unhealthy amount of testosterone running through someones body. There's nothing worse than being shoved against someone without their shirt on, 2 things happen; either A) You play slip n' slide off the persons broad, unnaturally sweat coated back, or B) You get leather couch syndrome. Ever pass out on a leather couch and have to peel your face off when you wake up? Yeah, it's basically the same thing. Have you ever noticed that these shirt-removers are usually the most aesthetically unappealing human beings imaginable? The fat bastards and the unfortunate folks with severe bacne?

Luckily, they don't call me the Doctor for nothing, I'm pretty sure if there was an anthropological degree in spotting potential dickwads, I'd be a University Professor with a PhD in no time. I've learned how to spot the "Chip N Dale Dancer" even before they "unveil" themselves. How you may ask? Well, the shirt remover is generally the guy who struts around in circles in the mosh pit, shoulders raised & pushed forward, and the bottom half of the jaw jutting out at an irregular distance, much resembling that of a neanderthal. When you spot this at a concert, rest assured you will see that man's nipples by the end of the night.

I would really like to know what goes through these peoples heads. Too hot? Step back for a few minutes and drink some water. Trying to show off? Keep in mind 90% of the people you are surrounded by are male, most of which wish to cause you severe physical trauma at this point. So why? The only answer I can logically conceive is the simplest one: Stupidity.

* "Chip N Dale Dancer" term courtesy of my friend Alexander Wolfbaer Switzer.

2. The Princess
Possibly the most narcissistic of the bunch. This is the asshole who makes sure he gets front and centre at every show, but will defend his personal space at the expense of others physical well being. They have no qualms about elbowing the person being pressed against their back in the throat, or throwing a foot backwards into their crotch. They seem oblivious to the fact that the person who's breathing down their neck isn't doing so by choice, they've got about 6 rows of people ploughing them forward. These people are so arrogant they think just because they showed up early enough to get to the front, they have their own separate laws of physics, and anyone who defies that shall receive the heel of a size 12 Reebok to the ball sack.

3. The Bitch
A more extreme version of "The Princess". While these people don't necessarily battle for personal space, they somehow get the notion that a mosh pit is a friendly environment. Usually in the younger, more hot-headed demographic, these arrogant little bastards are always the first to drop the proverbial gloves the moment someone touches them the wrong way. It's a mosh pit! You will get hurt! You will get a random thumb in the eye socket from time to time! It's a commonly accepted fact. Yes, the mosh pit does have it's fair share of idiots (as described in this blog), but one does not need to take their douchebaggery to heart - don't become one of them. Generally speaking "The Bitch" is merely teen-angst manifesting itself at an inappropriate time and place.

4. The Potential Rapist
Metal is about being a man! Yeah! A heterosexual man! That means we must grab the breasts of the few women in attendance! Even if they are 14 years old and unsuspecting! When I discuss "The Potential Rapist" I think of one sight I witnessed that still bothers me to this day. It was Monsters Of Rock 2008, I saw a girl who must have been no older than 15 or 16 get raised above the crowd, and as the security guards tried to pull her down, some anonymous hands shot up out of the crowd, lifted her shirt up, and copped a feel of what undeveloped boobs there were. Now, I'm no "Neon knight" by any means, in fact, I can be down right sexist from time to time, but there is a line I don't cross. If I saw this happening to my girlfriend/sister/daughter/niece/friend, I'd probably run in and attempt to promptly beat someone to death with their own shoes. Yes people, we all know you're horny and sex-deprived, but for Christ's sake, use a little class would you?

Seriously though, when I first started attending concerts 5 years ago, the sight of a woman at a metal show was a rarity, now stop scaring them off!

True Fact: The previously mentioned event transpired during Judas Priest's set, I did find a touch of humour in that.

5. The Chud
Usually the biggest rule-breaker of all. "The Chud" can fit into pretty much any category listed throughout this blog simultaneously. These are the people that show up to a Megadeth concert because they once beat "Hangar 18" in expert mode on Guitar Hero. Metal & loud concerts are a trend to these people, they refuse to invest in album purchases, t-shirts, or even an attempt at long hair. Now, I don't care much about clothing style, but these people almost seem to go out of their way to look as out of place as possible, when in reality they are just completely ignorant. A lot of complaints against "The Chud" may seem shallow, but there's certain behavioural tendencies these people fall into that will eventually get them killed. The first being arrogance - your first concert experience? Hell, I'd be proud to rock out along side you when you pop your concert cherry so to speak, but don't show up just because you once heard "Ace Of Spades" on that cell phone commercial - you're taking up valuable space and oxygen; a rare commodity at many metal shows. Secondly - you don't dress like the typical Metalhead? We don't mind, but at least try to make an effort to not stick out like a sore thumb, don't show up in your Goddamn Gucci wear or whatever it is you kids are into these days. I don't show up to your dance clubs in my ripped jeans & Ramones cut-off, so let's not make double-standards here.

It may sound like an elitist attitude, and hell it probably is, but a metal show should be a gathering for people who have something in common - a love of metal or a budding interest in metal with a genuine desire to learn. As much as it pains me to make a cheesy allusion to Manowar, I think there should be some sense of brotherhood retained in the metal scene.

6. Mike Tyson
Being a light-weight individual, these people aggravate me the most. These are the types of people who step into a mosh pit for the sheer purpose of hurting people. Moshing is a physical reaction to the music, much like dancing. Now metal is usually a fairly violent form of music, and obviously we can't stand there going into seizures when blast beats come on, so we have the mosh pit. Have you ever fallen down in a mosh pit and had someone intentionally gas-pedal you? That was one of these fuckers. Chances are he also fits into categories 1 & 5 as well. How to spot one of these charming people? Well, first of all, use the method mentioned in category 1, but also notice these people mosh at the most inappropriate times, like during a Heaven & Hell set. As previously mentioned, moshing is a physical reaction to the music, so if you see someone trying to mosh during a doomy song, chances are it's once of these assholes. You wanna hurt people? Start a fight club with people like yourself, stay the fuck away from my concerts.

7. Hardcore Moshers
This one is really straight-forward; leave hardcore moshing at the hardcore shows. Don't start going spastic picking up invisible pennies and fighting invisible ninjas during Gojira. Ever received an unexpected crescent-kick to the jaw? I don't think I need to explain further.

8. The Beer Waster
Probably the most minor of all the offences, but still a piss-off that needs to be addressed. I'm already getting soaked in a couple hundred other peoples sweat & blood, don't dump your beer on me! This is another one that bothers me on principle rather than the action itself. Yeah, the beer will dry, but it makes me think, you know? Concert beer is generally higher priced, the average metalhead is generally reasonably broke - who can afford to do that? If you're too much of a dink to finish a single beer, then I'm sure you can find a friend (that is, if you have any friends), that's down on his luck and would love most of a free beer.

I'm pretty sure anyone who has attended more than 3 concerts in their life can agree with these problems. Perhaps it's a North American thing...Either way it needs to stop.

by Doc Godin on metalstorm

[GameFreac]

Haha.

I agree with 1, 3, and 6.

Otherwise, I don't care. People complain way too much about fans "ruining the show for them."

[DeathfareDevil]

"Picking up invisible pennies" got a laugh outta me. First time I've heard that one. I always thought they looked like they were starting an invisible lawnmower. Actually, there is a mosh move called "the lawnmower," isn't there? I need to read Urban Dictionary more often.

[few seconds pass]

Apparently "lawnmowering" means something I never, ever would've imagined. Jesus god.

(v.) Overzealously removing anal beads from one's ass, as in pulling the start cord of a lawn mower, which may often times result in the loss of bowel control.

Instead of plopping them out one at a time as one is supposed to as is proper anal bead etiquette, he lawn mowered her corn hole. To which she replied, "Fuck me in the shit!", and so he did.

[GameFreac]

My friend did the rowboat at a hardcore/metalcore show.

I just see him sitting on the floor with his invisible paddle moving backwards. I was laughing so hard...I'd never seen that before.

[VOEGTLIN]

I think I'm a combination of all eight....

[V-GER]

Invisible pennies, that's a violent way to do it. I like the invisible lawnmower better..........................

[Knucklehead]

Apparently "lawnmowering" means something I never, ever would've imagined. Jesus god.

(*shakes head*). The kids, these days.

As for "picking up change", you guys, too can learn to dance hardcore.

As I've said before, that shit at metal shows really pisses me off.

[V-GER]

How to hardcore dance at a young age:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-c7sarW ... e_dancing/

[Metalfreak]

I think I'm a combination of all eight....

haha nice... Yeah I think we are all guilty of falling into one of these types at times. And wait a sec, you fall into the potential rapist category? Hahaha stay away from me dude

speaking of which, when I was like 16 (before I got into metal) I nearly got fingered at a Godsmack show while crowdsurfing. Ugh what a fucktard. I got tossed away before he could succeed though thankfully. Haven't had a problem since though!

[Strange]

Pretty funny.

5 is kinda dumb though. Lets all be different, just like all of the other different people.

A couple of my friends got married the same day as the Behemoth/Gojira show a few years back. Not only did they move their wedding up a couple of hours earlier so they (and the wedding party, and the band that played the reception) could get to the show in time, but the bride and groom came to the show in their wedding dress and tux!!! I thought it was pretty awesome. Plus, they got some great pics with the bands who freaked out when they found out they had actually changed their wedding plans to attend the show.

[BlackRoija]

#5 is stupid and #7 can most certainly occur at a Gojira show

pick a better band than that man

[Ryan]

i'd like to add and addendum to the "Princess" encompasing the shitheads who stand at the edge of the pit and wait for you to run by and even if you dont touch them they shove you hard enough to send you back in time in a fucking dalorian.

also. i dont give a shit if other people spill their beer, even if its on me, but when motherfuckers spill MY beer then theres a problem.

[Holiday Rambler]

#5 is most definitely stupid.

a metal show should be a gathering for people who have something in common

I agree...but the second you start pretending or expecting that there's a dress code to go along with it, you're a cocknacho, and you should promptly piss in your own mouth and throw yourself down a flight of stairs.

[GameFreac]

cocknacho

Never heard that before

[WREKage-Paul]

* adopts "cocknacho" as his new Generic Insult of the Week





Here's an additional Weird Concertgoer:

---------------------------
9. The Mystery Guest, aka the Concert-Vulcan

This is the guy (or chick) who is attending the concert, does not have a gun pointed at their head, but isn't exhibiting ANY EMOTION WHATSOEVER.
They're obviously there by choice; it doesn't look as if they drove their kids to the show and are stuck in the venue....heck, they're actually watching the bands...but their emotions are as cold as an Immortal song-title. Everyone around you is fist-pumping or head-bobbing or jumping around or doing the behind-the-head leg-stretch*, but this guy just stands there.

----------------------


It's pretty unnerving. I saw a guy like that at a Masquerade show two weeks ago and I couldn't figure out why the hell he was there.


Here's an example of hardcore/emo dancing, courtesy Brian, Mitch and Tim:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvQI40shr1c






--------
* this quip will only be recognized by fans of Blue Man Group